A Guide to Better Bat Batting

It’s that time of the year again in the Battenkill Valley of Vermont. Small dark shadows dart in a jerky motion through the air at dusk. Flapping wings course past the setting sun. In a word, I’m speaking of one thing: bats.

Bats have a curious tendency to enter homes. They can wiggle through little cracks in windows. They find their ways down the fireplace. They find ways into your homestead that would make a mouse green with envy.

And what happens when a bat gets into your house??? All heck breaks loose.

The lights throw them off and they fly all over the place quite frantically. My wife said they won’t bump into you because of their sonar. That does NOT apply when a bat is flipping out inside of your home.

There are various ways to deal with a bat in your home.

The Camp Method
Take a thick towel and wear thick gloves. Take hold of the towel and advance on the bat so you corner him. Then smother him in the towel and release him outside. This is humane, but a bit dicey for my taste. Next option.

The Julie Method
My brilliant wife Julie held up a huge blanket and was able to successfully herd the bat out of the door that I gladly held open (and stood behind). It does not involve contact with the bat and is fairly successful.

Of course you have to leave the door open for a while, so ANOTHER bat could come in. All in all, it works, but I prefer another option.

The Chet Method
My neighbor Chet has the best method for quickly ridding your home of a bat. I call it bat batting.

You will need any moderately sized and sturdy adult tennis racket. Firmly grip your racket, make sure no one is nearby, and then find the bat. Wack the bat with the racket as if you had the advantage in a match-deciding tie-breaker. Repeat as needed.

Pending on your preferences, either carry or shovel the aced bat outside.

I’m not a cruel person, we have rabbits for heaven’s sake, but rats and bats are another matter. There will always be enough of them in the world. I’ll be waiting for our first bat with my tennis racket. It’s only a matter of forehand or backhand.