:: in.a.mirror.dimly ::

Before you read this piece of satire, I wanted to say that I’ve been feeling quite convicted that I take myself a bit too seriously sometimes. I wrote this piece with myself in mind—I am the target of this piece, but I know I’m not alone. I think a lot of us in America do this. I hope after reading this we’ll all be encouraged to tone down our debates over theology.

ROME—The historic Christian faith that has endured persecution at the hands of emperors, papal corruption, a divisive Reformation, colonialism, and modernism currently hangs in the balance over a struggle to define the nature of truth, justification, and how to interpret the Bible between warring factions in the white American church.

The Pope has declared a day of fasting, asking faithful Christians of all denominations and all nations to pray that the true expression of Christianity will emerge victorious.

Pastors in Africa, Asia, Europe, and the Middle East have stopped all ministry among their congregations and communities, encouraging their flocks to join the Pope in prayer and to check regular updates on the internet among the key blogs and news sites involved in the struggle for the future of Christianity.

The Theologians in Corduroy Blazers (TCB) faction has been gathered in meetings around the clock in New York City, planning their strategy to prove that truth is defined by multiple perspectives, justification is accomplished by Christ’s victory over evil, and that culture plays a significant role in the interpretation of scripture. Blog posts, podcasts, and online articles have been appearing faster than you can say A Generous Orthodoxy: Why I Am a Missional, Evangelical, Post/Protestant, Liberal/Conservative, Mystical/Poetic, Biblical, Charismatic/Contemplative, Fundamentalist/Calvinist, Anabaptist/Anglican, Methodist, Catholic, Green, Incarnational, Depressed-yet-Hopeful, Emergent, Unfinished CHRISTIAN.

TCB leader Rick Heckman shared, “We are living in the most important period of Christian history. Everything pivots here. What these courageous leaders decide to do today will forever change the course of Christian history.”

Not to be outdone, the Theologians in Tweed Blazers (TTB) have assembled a broad coalition of bloggers and media superstars in Seattle to spread their message that truth is absolute and certain, justification is a legal transaction, and that culture pollutes the truth of scripture. They have countered with a staggering number of blog posts, articles on mainstream media web sites, and reports on Christian radio that make Calvin’s commentaries look like a pocket guide.

In a press release, Paul Shoutman of TTB declared, “Without a clear definition of truth we run the risk of allowing anyone to define Christianity in any way they want. With so many individualist Christians operating as if the bulk of Christian tradition has nothing to do with them, we have no recourse but to fight for a rigid formulation of truth and interpretation for the faith to survive.”

In a separate and possibly related event, Wikipedia has repeatedly crashed as theologians in the developing world have been looking up entries such as postmodernism, inerrancy, and absolute truth in an effort to figure out how they relate to their ministries in preaching the Gospel and serving the poor.