Jun 2, 2011
When Encouragement Fails
I used to work for someone who usually ended the week saying, “Thanks for all you do.”
That used to drive me crazy. What was he thanking me for? Eating my lunch? Getting a project done on time? Checking my personal e-mail while on the job?
I know this wasn’t what he meant, but I interpreted his encouragement catch-all as: “You’re not important enough for me to take the time to find out what you do well.”
Some weeks I wondered if it would have been better if he’d said nothing at all.
Sometimes the wrong kind of encouragement leaves us worse off than we were before.
In order for encouragement to actually work, it needs to be specific.
Be Specific or Else…
I think about this a lot since I volunteer and have managed volunteers for years. A big part of appreciating volunteers and ensuring they continue to help out is to give them specific encouragement. Specific encouragement is the fuel that keeps us going.
Encouragement that affirms something a particular will empower others to keep going. It’s so critical for volunteers and for ministers that I don’t think anyone can continue to serve effectively for a long period of time without it.
I would go so far as saying that encouragement is one of the ways God’s Spirit guides us in our service—it’s an outside validation that we have heard from God correctly.
Without mentioning something specific, our words fall flat and may even communicate that we don’t care.
Critique without Encouragement
I actually have a rule I try to follow, especially in church. I don’t let myself critique anyone unless I have encouraged that person first.
This is a worthwhile goal because many volunteers and ministers don’t hear feedback from people until something bad happens. Back in my worship leading days I’d guess that at least 80% of the feedback was negative—usually critiques of my song choices.
Critique without encouragement tells others that they are probably doing something terribly wrong. Even if someone is serving in the wrong position, look for what that person does well, affirm that, and perhaps suggest that he/she may be more effective somewhere else.
Critique alone could just leave a person feeling lost.
A Practical Step Toward Encouragement
If I could make one last suggestion for a practical way forward, I’ll be teaching a course on equipping volunteers for ministry at Biblical Theological Seminary outside of Philadelphia on August 12-13.
We’ll cover a broad range of topics related to supporting volunteers for ministry, and one of the major topics will be appreciation. You better believe we’ll talk a lot more about what effective encouragement looks like.
For more information, contact the academic office at 800.235.4021 or e-mail academic@biblical.edu.
Oh, you are so on target with this:
“In order for encouragement to actually work, it needs to be specific.”
Sometimes when my husband tells me he thinks I’m a great wife, I need to know WHY so I can keep doing the right things.
So your post today is encouraging ME to be specific today when I encourage others. Thanks, Ed!
I once did an experiment with my husband to compliment him on a specific thing every day for a month and tried very hard not to double up. I probably cheated a little bit, but it was a really good exercise and certainly one that could be applied to any relationship.
I’ve really had to work hard at being more encouraging because it’s not something that comes easily to me, but I think I’ve really improved a good bit and being specific is a huge part of that.
Great examples of encouragement working out in a marriage. This is so true and applies also to compliments.
Alise, I’m glad your husband didn’t say at the end of the month, “Thanks for all the encouragement!”
Great post and so important to remember!
I love that you suggest encouragement to be specific. I know I need that otherwise I don’t believe it to be true when they say something generic. I hear all the time “thanks for all you do” at church, but not what for. And I have dropped many thank you notes and emails, but just now thinking about it I don’t know that I have been specific either in them. Now this has me thinking!
The idea of specific encouragement is great! When I started reading, I thought: no, Ed, even ‘blanket’ encouragement is DEFINITELY better than none at all. But you ARE right: encouragement needs to be specific or it doesn’t mean anything.
I think building an atmosphere of encouragement has to be a priority, then varying our responses within that. Sometimes a general ‘thanks’ or even just an ‘I love you’ is enough; sometimes it must be for something particular. We humans just love variety!
Then – and only then – can we offer ‘critique’ or suggestions for perhaps doing things differently. Generally, my ‘better’ is the other ‘different’.
Sometimes the lack of encouragement makes me want to crawl into my little cave and never come out again.
) Of course, what’s a little cave without a little coffee pot and a stash of chocolate to make one feel better. 
)
I hear ya Nikole. You work at a church office, and I know that can be right in the line of fire. Thanks for being faithful to keep so many good ministries going even when the encouragement isn’t as regular as it should be.
This is very true. Encouraging specifically touches the person’s heart because they know they are not invisible. They are noticed and valued.
When we speak, God is speaking through us. I always consider my role in serving alongside volunteers, as expressing to them what God sees (which God allows me to notice).
What a treat those who’ll be attending your seminar are in! They’ll find encouragement, that’s for sure!
Excellent reminder, sometimes I fail to be specific – thanks Ed.
Completely agree with the need to critique with encouragement and I find that in a context of love and Christian service that they it’s pretty natural.
Great that you are teaching a class at Biblical this August – best wishes with that.
Great to hear that, Ed. It sounds like a much needed course!