Jun 22, 2011
Do You Fear Stopping?
Sleep deprived and my mind buzzing with everything I have to do before we move, the last thing I felt like doing yesterday evening was sitting in rush hour traffic. However, as fate would have it, I joined a long line of red tail lights winding their way through downtown.
I had so many things I needed to do, and honestly, I just wanted to go to bed. Sitting in traffic wasn’t helping me in either department.
When I get really tired, I sometimes get emotional. I use phrases like, “point of no return” and “starting to melt down” when I feel like this around my wife. She switches into emergency mode and helps me get to bed as fast as possible. Stuck on a highway with nowhere to go, I felt trapped.
I thought of turning on the radio, but then, in a moment of grace, I heard, “Why turn on the radio?”
I wanted distraction. I didn’t want to face the emotions swirling in my mind about how much work I have to do this week before we move next week. I didn’t want to think about the packing and projects before moving. I didn’t want to think about leaving our friends here in Connecticut.
I could barely hold back the emotions that wanted to throw me into chaos, even as I inched forward in an orderly line of cars. Worse than that, I didn’t believe that God could handle that moment.
I didn’t want to be quiet and still. Who knows what could happen if I let myself sit in silence, if I stopped. The thought terrified me for a moment, but then I realized that I needed that stillness and silence especially because of the chaos in my mind.
I’ve been trying to deal with my fears, frustrations, and emotions by running from them or keeping busy trying to fix them. I fear the silence, that moment when I stop and everything crashes in on me. However, that was the time that I needed to reach out to God and let him work in the silence and in my life.
It was hard work to force myself to focus on God’s goodness and his love for me. I’m sure that it will be a struggle in the coming days to continue doing so.
Yesterday I learned that God is present in our silence and in our fears. He has something to say, but we have to first stop and listen.
I can relate to this. Being alone with my thoughts (or even the prodding of the Holy Spirit) can be intimidating to me. Particularly when facing transition or pain.
Thanks for being honest in this post. I’m sure that I speak for others when I say that it’s refreshing to know that I’m not alone in this fear/anxiety thing.
Isn’t it amazing how many of us *require* the company of a radio, iTunes, or the television? I so appreciate your phrase, “in a moment of grace, I heard, ‘Why turn on the radio?’” Because it takes God’s grace to hear the invitation of the Spirit. He comes to effect heart change and freedom from fear.
Susie and Ray,
Perhaps we sometimes resist silence and the prodding of the Holy Spirit because we fear that God will condemn us? I don’t know. That seems to fit how I think sometimes. The word “invitation” is a good one, because it removes the fear of judgment.