:: In.a.Mirror.Dimly ::

“A few years ago, I realized that I’m more of an introvert,” I said during lunch with a few friends.

“Oh, I could have told you that,” my friend Kerick said.

How could I have missed that for so many years?

There were a lot of things I didn’t realize about myself for quite some time.

I don’t like very many kinds of beer. I’m not a leader. I’m never going to be a traditional pastor. I’m a Philistine when it comes to musical taste. I really like history. I enjoy writing fiction.

Part of these realizations have led to some concrete actions steps.

I started to sample beers and found a few that I like.

I sold all of my leadership and church-related books in order to fully embrace my calling as a writer. 

I out-sourced my musical tastes to my brother-in-law who knows about these things.

I check out history books for my leisure reading.

I’m trying to write a novel in the midst of my other writing projects.

I spent years, years I tell you, trying to cram myself into the molds that were designed for other people.

I measured myself against pastors, church planters, and leaders.

I felt insecure about, well, everything it seemed.

I worried about what I was going to do with my life while my little writing spark flickered unnoticed.

The maddening thing is that the only way forward was a lot of trial and error.

I’m not a black belt in spiritual discernment, but I do remember praying quite a bit about my direction in life.

I had to hit dead ends, face forks in the road, and trust God when new opportunities arose.

God uses our frustrations and failures.

I don’t know how it works. One day I felt like I’d hit a dead end, and then another day I began to hear God’s voice clearly. As I heard God’s direction for my life, all of the stuff that went caput began to make sense. Roads had been closed off because he was opening other paths for me.

The time between a closed door and a new opening can be terrifying, but there’s no short cut. I had to face closed doors and wait for the next thing—frustrating though it was.

I spent so much time trying to cram myself down one path or another, when all along I was supposed to head in another direction. The wisdom of God is awe-inspiring when you look back at the ways he provides and directs. I’m grateful for closed doors, failures, and missed opportunities each day because God has had better things for me in the long run.