:: In.a.Mirror.Dimly ::

When we moved to Connecticut, I had an identity crisis. People asked me what I did, and I told them I was a writer.

But I felt like a liar.

I mean, I wrote. I wrote quite a bit. I worked on book proposals, queries for magazines, and even a few paid projects. I blogged every day.

However, I wasn’t making too much money during that first year. Could I claim to be a professional, full time writer if I wasn’t making much money from it as a serious career? There were people with day jobs who made more money writing. There were kids at Starbucks serving my daily cup tea who made more money than me.

I’m not sharing all of this to get group therapy on my blog. That season has passed and life is just ducky now. I wouldn’t bring all of this junk up if I was still in the middle of it—in that case I’d just complain a lot.

Writers are good at complaining because we choose our words and metaphors so carefully.

Here’s the thing about identity, if you don’t have something you can nail down with certainty, you feel a bit lost, fearful, and insecure. That first year in Connecticut tested me in so many different ways. However, the biggest struggle was in the matter of identity.

I had to nail down who I was whether or not it made any money. I needed to struggle and fight for it. I couldn’t let other people or my fears of their perceptions define me. But, I mean, you think I’m a writer… don’t you??? Please? Oh, right.

At the same time I hammered out my identity as a writer, I also had to sort out my identity as a follower of Jesus. I felt abandoned for that year with moments of provision. However, after a time of provision, I felt like I’d hit a dead end. I had to ask hard questions.

Does God give a rip about me?

Is God really leading me?

Am I his beloved child?

When Satan’s minions attack, one of their best weapons is to challenge one’s identity and position in God.

When we doubt that we are God’s chosen, beloved children, we can cut ourselves off from God with feelings of unworthiness and guilt. Our prayers become twisted and meandering as we underestimate the power and finality of the death and resurrection of Jesus.

Satan’s main attack against Jesus in the Gospel of Luke consisted of three questions, and two of them revolved around his identity. “If you are the Son of God…” He wanted Jesus to say, “I’m the Son of God, I’ll prove it…”

The devilish bit of Satan’s attack was that the very act of Jesus proving his identity to someone else would have indicated doubt. If he felt the burden to prove his identity, he was acknowledging that it had to be demonstrated in order to be true. Only an external sign could validate his position.

Jesus hit back with scripture and refused to play Satan’s games. Jesus abided. He rested in his identity. He didn’t have to prove one thing.

We don’t have to test God or play identity games. “If you really love me God, you’ll do this…” or “If I’m your child, I’ll experience you in this exact way…”

It can be unsettling and disturbing to lose sight of your identity in Christ.

If you aren’t God’s beloved child, then the only direction to go is down. Any other identity marker will be unsatisfying and push us toward insecurity.

I pray that you can rest today in God’s love for you and ignore the temptations to prove it. May you experience God’s love and hear his voice today as you seek what he has called you to do.