Feb 7, 2012
If you don’t know what this is based on, I apologize in advance for the insanity that follows…
You don’t have to eat the butchered French Toast I’ve tried to make or gnaw on my half-raw hash browns to know God never intended me to cook. However, did you know that there is a biblical precedent against men ever cooking?
God wants men to stay out of the kitchen. Women are the unquestioned authorities in the kitchen.
Who baked the bread when the three strangers stopped by Abraham’s tent? It wasn’t the father of our faith. He didn’t kneed to make the bread since Sarah was around.
Who made the meal when Jesus needed to take a load off? Not that dead beat Lazarus. It was Mary.
The only time Jesus let his disciples prepare dinner, one of them ended up turning him over to be killed. Not exactly the way you want to end a successful dinner party.
The only time we see a guy capably cook a meal is when Jesus cooks a few fish, but that’s post-Resurrection. When you’re God, you can cook. When you’re just a man, it’s impossible.
In the Bible, the kitchen has a very feminine feel.
I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled about this biblical precedent that bans men from the kitchen. My wife is way better at following recipes and improvising. Life is way better when I’m obedient to the Bible—especially that clear precedent about keeping out of the kitchen.
Some men may whine and complain, “But I like cooking! It’s fun to cook with my wife in the kitchen.” Well, that’s too bad. The Bible is authoritative, and you can’t just ignore the clear precedent that every time we see someone in the kitchen, it’s not a dude.
There are other cases that may be tough, but obedience is the key here. Some delusional, rebellious men may threaten the exclusive role of women in the kitchen by claiming that God called them to cook. That’s surely just the sinful nature trying to disrupt our homes by threatening the authority and power of women. These men need to submit to their wives, handing over the oven mitts, spatulas, and pans.
Personally, grinding coffee is still a struggle for me. What should I do if my wife is still asleep and I can’t find a capable woman to grind my morning coffee for me? In such an urgent case, I think God is willing to make an exception since a proper female authority can’t be found.
However, there is a cost to our obedience. Some single men will need to munch on raw carrots. They may ask for leniency for the sake of their rumbling stomachs. I admit, it’s certainly difficult to know what the Bible would make of our modern ways of cooking with so little effort.
I suppose a microwave could be permitted for single men, but we’ll probably need to decide whether “nuking” something is technically cooking it. And then there are salads and sandwiches. A man could technically “assemble” these things without cooking them, but he should probably make them in the dining room or living room. The kitchen is the sole domain of the woman.
Perhaps the best lesson we can learn here is that God wants women to be the sole authorities in the kitchen.
Of course men and women are totally equal before God. Men are just not capable of handling the kitchen. I mean, give a guy a recipe for a cake and he’ll end up burning the house down. Despite their unquestioned equality with women, men have a different calling that is far away from the nurturing, life-giving domain of the kitchen. They are only capable of going to jobs where they need to either make stuff or sell stuff.
For the single men, I would say that the best thing for you is to marry and marry quick. You don’t want to unwittingly violate the clear commands of the Bible by accidentally assuming authority that you are incapable of handling in the kitchen? It may start out as a piece of bread in the toaster oven, but soon you may start adding cheese and sardines and corn chips and then who knows what you’ll end up eating.
This feminine feel to the kitchen is rooted in the Bible and consistent throughout scripture. Wouldn’t we feel silly if we ignored the clear commands of the Bible and actually let men have a place in the kitchen?
UPDATE: I just wanted to add that I hope this post helps us think about the complexity of interpreting the cultural aspects of the Bible. I admit the post is over the top, but sometimes hyperbole can be an effective way of seeing where our ideas take us.