:: In.a.Mirror.Dimly ::

I spent years believing that I didn’t belong in church. Prone to cliches, I often described myself as a square peg surrounded by round holes. I didn’t know if the problem was my squareness or the roundness of the church—so to speak.

Over the years, I’ve heard similar complaints about certain groups not fitting in at church.

Women feel overlooked and marginalized.

The more athletic, muscular men don’t feel like they can be themselves.

The more artistic, humanities-oriented men feel like they don’t have a place with either the church or the athletic men.

In general, the artists feel crammed into predefined categories where they lack creative freedom—if they are even acknowledged in the first place.

If you look at this list, it would seem that no one actually belongs in the church. Everyone feels left out.

In stepping back, I think it’s probably better to say that certain groups feel left out of certain churches. Some churches are less affirming toward men, while others are quite restrictive and disingenuous toward women.

I want to step back and ask, “What do we mean when we say we don’t feel like we belong in church?”

There are lots of broad, sweeping prescriptions for “fixing” our “problems,” but sometimes they just make things worse. My least favorite “solution” is the whole, “Our churches are too feminized” line of thinking—if we dare to even call this “thinking.” This strikes me as reactionary—men are not comfortable in church so it must be feminization!!!

Um, the women are who aren’t allowed to speak in feminized churches while getting saddled with all of the work actually sort of hate it and rightfully resent such statements. (I go into this particular topic a bit more here.)

We never want to overlook the needs of any one group, but by pitting men against women or attendees against leaders or whatever else is counterproductive. We need to start talking about what we actually mean when we make statements about not belonging in church.

There are a ton of reasons why church may not click for someone. Gender is but one of many issues swirling about.

From the best to the worst, every church is a system and a culture to a certain degree—even those that try to just keep it simple. Trends will emerge, groups will form, and others will struggle to fit in. Expectations develop, those gifted for leadership will emerge (whether by calling alone or by gender/calling), and membership traits will coalesce in one way or another.

By the time all of these things take place, there will be those who fit and those who do not. And the question remains, how do some people end up fitting in while others do not? The answers aren’t simple here.

I hope to ask this question from a few different angles this week. Stay tuned.