Millennials Need to Know Church MUST be Boring and Irrelevant

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Millennial Prefers Coffee to BibleWay to go Millennials. You’ve destroyed Christianity.

That’s right: destroyed. You could have been content to sit in our churches keeping quiet and playing along, but now you’ve ruined Christianity by making church all about you.

Me, me, me, that’s all I ever hear from Millennials.

Church isn’t about what you want. It’s about what the older generations want. How could you be so selfish?

Millennials complain:

Oh, the sermon is too long! Why won’t you serve us communion???

That’s what all of the edgy, new fangled churches are doing these days.

Look, we’re committed to teaching the Bible. We’re not going to waste our time on a new innovation like serving communion every week.

We stick to our traditions, not some hip fad that you heard about in Brooklyn.

Oh, are you hungry? Eat a snack before church.

But that’s not the end of what I hear from millennials trying to destroy the church.

We want to go serve the poor?

Well isn’t that the cool and “relevant” thing to do? Looking to get a merit badge for Jesus? Want to stay in Awanna?

Look, we’ve got VBS and mission trips. Don’t like the looks of that? Why don’t you Instagram us a picture of you and your friends making sad faces.

Oh, you want to talk about the Kingdom of God instead of politics? Got an oversensitive BS meter, have we?

That’s just typical Millennial, self-centered nonsense that is code for: “Vote for Obama.” I’m so sick of Millennials supporting politicians who are just going to give them handouts.

Waaaa!!!! I can’t afford to pay off $80,000 in student loans!

Waaaa!!!! I need healthcare because I can’t find a job!

Waaaa!!!! My drinking water is polluted from natural gas fracking!

True American Christians recognize that our country is blessed by God. Not feeling blessed? Then you’re probably just an ungrateful socialist.

But then you millennials start complaining that our worship songs aren’t good enough for you. You don’t want something flashy. You want “substance.” Our lattes aren’t what YOU want?

Listen, church isn’t a party.

If you’re not slightly bored and a little depressed, then something is most certainly wrong. You’re all so worried about everything in life being a grand old time that you never stopped to ask: “Does everyone else like going to church?”

No. We most certainly don’t. Does that stop us? Not at all. That’s because it’s not about us.

Church should be irrelevant, long, and boring. Why do you think we serve fancy coffee???

We like it just like that.

Remember, it’s not about us. Church is about God. And we’re so committed to making church all about God and not about us that we need to shun anyone who calls us into question.

We’ve made a lot of sacrifices to make the church what it is today. We didn’t just write cranky blog posts or complain on Facebook. We broke away from the churches who were doing it wrong, read the Bible, and figured out how to do church right.

We do church this way because we care about the Bible. Do millennials really care about the Bible?

I think millennials care more about blogs, being trendy, drinking coffee with friends, and getting their way.

They used to be welcome in our church, but now it seems they don’t want to be there any more.

Want to complain about the ways church isn’t appealing to you?

Fine.

We’ll do one better. We’re going to change all of our services to 6 am and card everyone at the door. Born after 1980? Out!

Want to write about why millennials are leaving the church?

I’ll give you a reason: we don’t want to listen to you.

Stop making the church all about you, millennials. You don’t get to have an opinion.

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29 thoughts on “Millennials Need to Know Church MUST be Boring and Irrelevant

  1. Jeff Keady

    It’s about time someone got brave enough to write the truth about this generation! This generation of MEllennials! Now I hope we can also hear some truth about the perverted Bible version groups, the Sunday Evening church abandoners, and those who think the Kingdom is not the Biblical 1,000 years! The Bible means what it says!

    :^)

  2. T.J. Eckleburg

    “True American Christians recognize that our country is blessed by God.” So, does that mean that other nations are not blessed by God? Or that those who starve to death from hunger just didn’t get His word in time?

    And you wonder why people don’t go to church.

        1. T.J. Eckleburg

          Ha… I smelled satire, but I couldn’t make that leap since this is my first time to the blog.

  3. suzannah | the smitten word

    bahahahhaaaha! “Why don’t you Instagram us a picture of you and your friends making sad faces.”

    #dead

    i love all of this. way to breath new life into a conversation that was starting to get a little tedious.

  4. Kent Faver

    Still waiting for the paypal card swipe on the offering plate so they can put $5.00 of Mom and Dad’s money into the collection plate when they come for Advent and Easter every year. And, where’s the Mumford and Sons version of Amazing Grace!?

  5. Andy

    I see what you did there — trying to equate liberal politics with a Millennial mindset. Nice try, though.

  6. JBen

    Funny story,

    I was just working with some college freshmen on an inner city service project. They were organizing boxes and doing inventory in a warehouse that gave supplies and goods to the poor. One of them asked me what the point of it was because he wasn’t getting to “love the poor.”

    He was serving the poor by organizing the stuff that would be given to them but couldn’t see it because it didn’t feel significant.

    There might be more truth to your satire than you think. :)

  7. Jen Hatmaker

    Please drive to Austin and pick me up off the floor, because I just fell out of my chair laughing. Just laying here in my TOMS with my Warby’s and my Sevenly shirt. Dying.

    1. ed Post author

      I thought Millennials are optimists in the face of impossible odds? Aren’t you supposed to believe you’ll get off the floor by your own power? ;)

  8. Alan Rudnick

    While speaking at a mainline denomination meeting about the current state of The Church, a baby boomer came up to me and lamented his generation’s complacency towards young people. He said, “It’s our fault our children don’t come to church. We let them fall away and we alienated them.” I think he was right.

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  10. Jeremy Manuel

    This might be satire, but I could totally see some people I’ve known saying some of these things about Millennials or “young people.” Kind of made the satire not so funny for me, maybe because it was just too good.

  11. Herm

    Can I trade in my AARP for a brand new Millennial? Or just, maybe, like a new lease on a Millenial?

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