:: In.a.Mirror.Dimly ::

The other day I picked up a Valentine’s Day card for my wife. I looked through about 30 different cards before I found one that closely resembled my sentiments for her. After scanning through sooooo many lame cards with dog heads on human bodies, terrible puns, and overblown sentimentality, I realized that I could do this.

And so can you.

After my thorough twenty minute study of the card section of our local store, I realized that there’s a certain formula to the typical Valentine’s Day card. The clip art, photos, and background may vary, but most cards will include a number of key ingredients—that is, most cards they try to sell you for $3. This has nothing to do with quality mind you.

As a writer I’d like to lend my talents to all of the men out there who are sweating out finding the Valentine’s Day card. Will you find the right card for your wife? Now you don’t have to. I have it all laid out for you.

If you’re still too intimidated, I created a generic card that utilizes all of the “top practices” of the greeting card industry. It’s a totally free AND totally awesome download that you can print out and sign in seconds while expressing all of the best sentiments of Valentine’s Day cards.

How to create an awesome Valentine’s Day card for your wife…

Step One

On page one make a list of your flaws. Keep in mind, this is a list of suggestions… I’m not indicting myself here! Well, OK, I do break the plumbing way too often, but I can explain…

• I watch too much TV.
• I don’t pick up my clothes.
• I break plumbing when trying to fix it.
• I never say nice things to my wife.
• I have poor hygiene.

Step Two

On page two list the reasons why you appreciate your wife.

• She’s patient and understanding.
• She picks up after me.
• She has good hygiene.

Step Three

On page 3 tell her how you feel.

• I’m so lucky you married a loser like me.
• I’m incomplete without you, like a taco without cheese.
• I can’t imagine living without you… Really, I’d probably die.
• Happy Valentine’s Day… or something like that.

Step Four

Use a nice font like Edwardian Script.

Step Five

Print it out and sign it.

Not sure you can hack it? Then download my awesome card FOR FREE!!!

Just a reminder that Sarcastic Saturday is a fictional parody of myself, but this week I don’t think any one will be safe…

I receive lots of pleas from charities and schools in December asking for an end of the year donation—as if that would help MY taxes. I think you need to make something above the poverty line for that to work…

Many Christian groups are saying stuff like, “Donate so we can be a strong voice for the Gospel,” or “Help us stand for the truth,” or “Help us preserve Christian America,” or some other plea where your money will somehow save the world. Well, if you think giving your money to one of these groups is going to do any of those things, then I suggest you support the people who can do the most good: Christian writers.

Really, supporting Christian writers can’t be all that bad an idea. My theology professor who provides us with marriage counseling tells us it’s no worse than learning our theology and politics from a family psychologist. There really are a lot of reasons why you should buy the books of Christian writers, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO WRITE THEOLOGY BOOKS, with your year-end giving…

We’ll give you a good scare… Do you like being scared by possible scenarios and threats in America? Then writers are the perfect people to make that kind of stuff up!

We’ll prevent Amazon from taking over the world… We’re only one act of Congress or one reading device away from Amazon taking over our country and calling it the United States of Amazon. Do you really want all writers to be locked in sweat shops in order to produce novels that earn them paltry royalties that you’ll only be able to read on your personal Kindle that you can only purchase with an Amazon-approved ISBN number on your forehead? I didn’t think so. Writers need your support if they’re going to survive apart from Amazon.

See, I told you we were good at making stuff up…

We’ll write cool, authentic books about doing cool, authentic things AND Tweet about them… Twitter is full of so much garbage these days about celebrities. Wouldn’t you rather support writers who can post awesome, authentic tweets? Let’s face it, authenticity sells.

Not convinced yet?

Your children need to be properly equipped by professional Christian writers… Start buying our books and you’ll soon see that your kids really don’t need that many toys this year. In fact, your kids don’t really need toys at all. They need OUR BOOKS.

And in the event that godless liberals take over America, it will be nice if we have a bunch of Christian books around for them to pick up by chance once Christians are all exiled to Alaska—soon to become the final redoubt of REAL America.

Investing in Christian writers is kind of sound invest that will pay dividends whether America is turned into Christian dominion, the United States of Amazon, or a godless haunt ruled by liberals. Visit Amazon.com today to support Christian writers!

Just a reminder that Sarcastic Saturday is fictional.

In the recently launched Seventh Quest for the historical Jesus, scholars have revealed the shocking discovery that Jesus actually preached the Sermon on the Mount on April Fools Day. While some religious leaders remain skeptical of this assertion, many in the Christian community have welcomed this discovery about Jesus’ counterintuitive blessings in the beatitudes with a sigh of relief.

One Christian theologian and author in Connecticut responded, “Phew, that sure makes following Jesus easier. I was really getting overwhelmed with having to think about Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize speech and how to deal with materialism and my personal search for comfort this holiday season. It looks like the joke was on me.”

If the April Fools Day Hypothesis holds true then Jesus was responsible for pulling off the longest running, most comprehensive prank in all of history.

Why Sarcastic Saturday?

Read the rest of this entry »

Just a reminder to readers that Sarcastic Saturday is always fictional…

A large number of rhythmically-challenged youth pastors have reported serious injuries that have been linked to the recent release of the David Crowder Band’s latest CD, Church Music. “It’s just so, so… upbeat,” shared one youth pastor from his iron lung. “I’ve said this a lot a in youth ministry, but seminary never prepared me for this. Besides, my conservative Christian college didn’t even allow dancing. What was I supposed to do when the title track starts by saying, ‘Dance!’?”

Churches and denominational boards have taken swift action throughout the country in confiscating the CD, MP3 players, ipods, and computers that may have the album. “This is primarily affecting youth pastors who don’t have any sense of rhythm and who bought the album thinking that it would have traditional church music on it,” shared the elder of one church that recently completed a sweep of all electronic devices in his congregation.

From Lutherans to Methodists to Baptists, the injuries for youth pastors have caused a serious ministry crisis. “For the good of the church, these youth pastors just need to suck it up and start listening to Amy Grant again,” said one anonymous Baptist minister.

During an interview at the rehabilitation pool of a county hospital, one youth pastor shared her experience with Church Music: “Crowder’s other CDs had some electronic elements, but generally the guitar riffs and steady drum beat gave us something we could just hop around to. Then that ‘Eastern Hymn’ got pumping and I just lost complete control.” After falling over in a tangled wreck off the stage and into the sound equipment she’s facing six months of rehabilitation.

With such disturbing trends depleting the ranks of youth pastors, parents have begun pulling their children out of youth groups until the Church Music season passes. “I don’t want my kids to learn bad dancing habits from our uncoordinated youth pastor. I’m surprised that more kids haven’t been injured with so much contagious bad dancing spreading.”

The youth pastor in question could not be reached for comment because of a broken jaw suffered in a Church Music-related accident.

Before you read this piece of satire, I wanted to say that I’ve been feeling quite convicted that I take myself a bit too seriously sometimes. I wrote this piece with myself in mind—I am the target of this piece, but I know I’m not alone. I think a lot of us in America do this. I hope after reading this we’ll all be encouraged to tone down our debates over theology.

ROME—The historic Christian faith that has endured persecution at the hands of emperors, papal corruption, a divisive Reformation, colonialism, and modernism currently hangs in the balance over a struggle to define the nature of truth, justification, and how to interpret the Bible between warring factions in the white American church.

The Pope has declared a day of fasting, asking faithful Christians of all denominations and all nations to pray that the true expression of Christianity will emerge victorious.

Pastors in Africa, Asia, Europe, and the Middle East have stopped all ministry among their congregations and communities, encouraging their flocks to join the Pope in prayer and to check regular updates on the internet among the key blogs and news sites involved in the struggle for the future of Christianity.

The Theologians in Corduroy Blazers (TCB) faction has been gathered in meetings around the clock in New York City, planning their strategy to prove that truth is defined by multiple perspectives, justification is accomplished by Christ’s victory over evil, and that culture plays a significant role in the interpretation of scripture. Blog posts, podcasts, and online articles have been appearing faster than you can say A Generous Orthodoxy: Why I Am a Missional, Evangelical, Post/Protestant, Liberal/Conservative, Mystical/Poetic, Biblical, Charismatic/Contemplative, Fundamentalist/Calvinist, Anabaptist/Anglican, Methodist, Catholic, Green, Incarnational, Depressed-yet-Hopeful, Emergent, Unfinished CHRISTIAN.

TCB leader Rick Heckman shared, “We are living in the most important period of Christian history. Everything pivots here. What these courageous leaders decide to do today will forever change the course of Christian history.”

Not to be outdone, the Theologians in Tweed Blazers (TTB) have assembled a broad coalition of bloggers and media superstars in Seattle to spread their message that truth is absolute and certain, justification is a legal transaction, and that culture pollutes the truth of scripture. They have countered with a staggering number of blog posts, articles on mainstream media web sites, and reports on Christian radio that make Calvin’s commentaries look like a pocket guide.

In a press release, Paul Shoutman of TTB declared, “Without a clear definition of truth we run the risk of allowing anyone to define Christianity in any way they want. With so many individualist Christians operating as if the bulk of Christian tradition has nothing to do with them, we have no recourse but to fight for a rigid formulation of truth and interpretation for the faith to survive.”

In a separate and possibly related event, Wikipedia has repeatedly crashed as theologians in the developing world have been looking up entries such as postmodernism, inerrancy, and absolute truth in an effort to figure out how they relate to their ministries in preaching the Gospel and serving the poor.

Another installment of my fictional series Sarcastic Saturday:

Earth–In a surprising development for Christians devoted to social justice and loving one another, the Kingdom of God appeared because enough Christians have taken a bold stand for the truth. Michael the Archangel appeared in the heavens and proclaimed the victory of truth over error and relativism.

People who love truth everywhere are rejoicing that they were right. “We knew that if we exposed enough error and took a bold enough stand for truth, sound doctrine, and watered down Christianity emphasizing service that God’s Kingdom would show up,” said one self-proclaimed truth activist. “I’m not surprised that we were right,” he added.

“Here I thought my worship was meaningless because of the injustices Christians have been ignoring,” shared one pastor who works among the homeless. “As it turns out, the only thing God has cared about all along is if we get our doctrines correct.” 

Christian social justice ministries have since shuttered their operations, opting to commit to further study in order to sort out their doctrines in light of the Messiah’s second coming.

“What a shocker,” shared one member of Christians for Social Action. “The next thing they’ll say is that sarcasm can be redemptive.”

A Note from Ed: I’m starting a new section on my blog that I’m calling Sarcastic Saturday, a collection of humorous, fictional, and hopefully sarcastic posts aiming for a little redemptive fun with religious subjects. I also hope to take the parody/sarcasm discourse up a level by aiming to make some kind of redemptive point or lesson without sounding pithy and trite—or like a Reader’s Digest Story.

I’m adding this section also because some of the leading Christian Parody sites are either updated sparingly or missing in action of late. I figured I may as participate through my own web site. So without further ado, here’s the inaugural Sarcastic Saturday:

New York, NY—Atheist lecturer Robert Strandon has announced that in the year 2010 he plans to embark on a project to disobey every command in the Bible throughout the year. The noted scholar claims that his project is both an attempt to carry out the agenda of the new atheism movement and a response to allegations that atheism leads to complete moral bankruptcy.

“I intend to show that one can not only ignore the Bible and live a good life, but completely disobey every command while still leading a healthy, active, productive life as a citizen,” shares Strandon about his Biblical Disobedience Project. When asked whether he intends to murder anyone during his project, Strandon grinned and replied, “In our modern world there are plenty of ways to ‘kill’ someone without getting one’s hands dirty.”

Strandon has been hard at work compiling lists of commands from both testaments, especially the bulky 613 commands found in the Old Testament. With so daunting a task ahead of him, Strandon believes he’s well on his way. “You could say I’ve already been engaged in this project for most of my life. The challenge will be going out of my way to ensure I don’t unintentionally obey any biblical commands.”

Strandon’s wife could not be reached for comment on the implications of the Biblical Disobedience Project on their marriage or home life. So far no publishers have stepped forward to capitalize on the publicity buzz that Strandon expects to surround this project.

“I’ve been a half-hearted atheist for most of my life,” shares Strandon. “I no longer believe it’s adequate to simply ignore God. I need to convert my atheism into concrete action.”