:: In.a.Mirror.Dimly ::

Soldiers ask the hard questions civilians can avoid if they so choose.

They have to face a fellow human being and decide whether or not that person represents a threat that is worth killing.

They have to leave their families behind and live in the unreal world where death could be waiting behind every corner.

They have to believe in their mission each day, even if they have their doubts.

They return home with the memories of the war alive in their minds.

Soldiers Who Doubt

I read a lot of history, and I’m always struck by how many veterans from the Second World War returned home with a strong commitment to peace.

I also read and listen to the accounts of veterans from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, and if you read enough of them, you’ll find that many soldiers over there are wondering what the heck they’re doing over there. While some are quite certain about these wars, there are many who are afraid to voice their doubts.

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I like to remember my semester in Israel as a magical time where everything was perfect. The streets of Old City Jerusalem were my home for a little over three months, and I could pray at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher or the Western Wall any time. Best of all, I met my wife while studying there.

With our wedding day serving as the perfect climax to my Israel story, it’s easy to forget the tough parts leading up to the day she walked down the aisle.

I often forget that my allergies went insane during my first month in Israel. My throat always felt scratchy and dry, which is the last thing you want in a hot, dry climate.

While Julie and I were getting to know each other, I struggled over how fast to move. Part of me wanted to be really careful about not moving too fast because I didn’t want to risk hurting her. Another part of me was certain that I could very well marry her one day. I sat on a stone wall outside of the old city in a secluded area to pray each afternoon, and she was the subject of many of those prayers.

If I take time to really think about that semester, I have a more accurate picture of conflict and uncertainty before a happy ending.

It’s like almost any movie out there. Conflict and difficulty precede happiness and resolution.

We all want to arrive at the happy ending, but we forget that the middle part usually sucks.

If I had to write a “happy ending” for my life, it would probably include publishing some more books and writing for a variety of websites and magazines. I’d be able to write what I like for a good bit of my day, earning enough to keep us financially stable.

I was hoping I could reach that happy ending in about a year.

I’ll add a pause here to let you laugh at my naiveté for a moment.

Sometimes life doesn’t work out as we plan. We set goals and work toward them, hoping we can reach them as fast as possible and then act surprised when we get bogged down in the conflict in the middle.

If I can’t even remember the struggles of that first month in Jerusalem, what makes me think I can accurately imagine what the future holds? We’re so good at stuffing away the hard times in the past, that it’s almost a super-human act to honestly face the conflicts and struggles that await us in the future.

Two Questions to Ask About Struggles in Life

There are two questions that I’ve been asking myself about my struggles and conflict right now.

Am I at the end of my dream, which didn’t work out?

or…

Am I in the middle of the conflict on the way to fulfilling my dream?

There have been different times in my life when I’ve said yes to both of those questions. In one case, I had to let go of my dream of ever being a pastor or church planter. God didn’t call me to be either.

However, as I’ve discovered how much I love to write, I’ve also had to face struggles and conflicts that cause me to doubt. Am I pursuing the right course? Should I just give up on this dream?

From what I can tell, I’m just in the middle of this story—one that I hope will be a long one. I’m in the middle of the conflict and struggle with some great victories along the way. It hasn’t been a steady stream of disappointments by any means, but I still haven’t achieved my goals.

I’m OK with not arriving at my happy ending. It took me some time to reach that point, and perhaps my happy ending won’t involve everything I’ve dreamed about. God may still need to change some things for my future.

If you’re disappointed, discouraged, or stuck, I encourage you to ask yourself those two questions and to pray about them. Finding out you need to find a new dream may mean a tough transition, but it may be the most freeing thing for you.

On the other hand, you may not want to admit that you’re in the middle of the conflict, but the sooner you can see what you’re up against, the better prepared you will be to face it.

Happy endings are never cheap in the movies, and the same holds true in real life. Perhaps the conflict we face along the way is what makes our endings that much better.

While setting up the projector for my writing course at a local community center last fall, a high school student was cleaning up an art project she’d been leading with a group of children. Seeing “Ed Cyzewski: Freelance Writer” at the bottom of my slide, she asked, “What’s a freelance writer?”

While one of her co-workers attempted to give a traditional answer, I replied, “It’s a nice way of saying you’re unemployed but work occasionally.”

I was joking, but also a little serious.

I try not to play the poor old me card here on the blog. Believe me, my small group hears enough about that. However, when I began trying this freelance thing out in August 2009, I had no idea what I was in for. It was like launching a brand new business where I needed to build long lists of clients and contacts.

It has taken longer than I’d expected to get established. I thought I was starting off in good shape back in 2009, but things only started to click in the fall of 2010. At this point now, I can actually use the word “busy” on occasion, while still looking for new editing, web site copy, and magazine article work.

I feel very blessed right now.

We hear a lot about the struggles of freelancers and also about the guilty pleasures of freelancers—though I’m not one for spending the entire day in my bathrobe and slippers. Freelancing is either bad for me because work can be irregular, or it can be great because I make my own schedule and can work anywhere I want.

However, there’s another side to this. Freelancing can be good for our friends and family. I can work anywhere, and therefore I can pick up my “operation” and relocate to the side of a friend in need. I’d honestly never thought about this aspect of independent freelance work, but it’s truly exciting.

I’ve been so focused on what’s good or bad for me in this career move to write full time, that I’d forgotten how persevering through the past year and a half also benefits my friends and family. I’m grateful for these moments when I’m reminded that this really isn’t all about me.

We like being happy. We crave joy. However, do we have joy? Do we even know what joy is? And lastly, if we don’t have joy, why not?

Here are a few thoughts on why we don’t have joy and how to find it:

Are Joy and Happiness the same?

Probably not. At least, a brief scan of other blog posts suggests that most people don’t think they’re the same. I dig a little digging of my own, and here’s what I found:

Happiness is more of an emotional reaction or something that is temporary based on circumstances. Joy can be manifested as happiness, but it has more to do with an attitude or state of mind—not necessarily reacting to circumstances. Joy also refers to happiness at a higher level. Dictionary.com defines it as: “emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.”

So the question remains: Why don’t I have joy?

I Look for Joy in Circumstances

I’m really good at trying to control my circumstances. Even if I manage to yield myself to God’s will in one situation, another one comes along that is slightly different, and it’s like, “Oh no! God obviously didn’t see THIS coming. I’d better worry and try to control this!”

It’s as if he’d never done anything for me before. When my efforts to control life fail or things don’t pan out in the way I expect, I certainly won’t find joy. And even if things do work out sometimes, the joy I seek will not last. There will always be something else that will bring worry and threaten my ability to control circumstances.

I Expect Joy to Just Happen

Besides the times I try to control life in order to produce joy, I can also miss it by waiting for it. If I keep out of trouble, I expect joy to come knocking one day like Ed McMahon—“You’re a winner!” We don’t win joy like a lottery ticket. It is not won so cheaply.

I Look for Joy in the Wrong Places

It seems there is a counterfeit for every good thing in life. We can seek love in all the wrong places and even sing a song about it. Joy has many short-term counterfeits that typically are based on the happiness brought about by circumstances,  not the lasting joy that comes from outside of ourselves.

I Forget Where Joy Comes From

I’ll be honest: I haven’t experienced a lot of joy. At least, I feel like I should be experiencing a lot more joy than I currently experience since I’m an expert at keeping busy and avoiding God. The greatest moments of joy come when I’ve opened myself to God and allowed him to speak in my life. When I’m encouraged by the joy that comes from God, I have a sense of acceptance, comfort, and love that can overcome my circumstances.

When I’m filled with God’s joy, I can share it freely with others. I’m aware of someone larger than myself and can take my eyes away from my fears and desires. God’s joy teaches me to delight in the things he values.

When God’s joy is streaming into my life, there is no way that anyone or anything can stop it or bottle it up.

For More Posts on Joy: Read Bonnie Gray’s “Top 3 Misconceptions about Joy.”

It has been a busy week in the Cyzewski household. No, we’re not training our rabbits for the House Rabbit Olympics.

That’s in the summer.

I’m approaching a couple of deadlines and so is my wife. Everything is a bit more hands on deck. And then last night I had this idea that sort of took over my mind. I don’t know if this ever happens to you, but when I have an idea for something I want to write, it becomes almost impossible to think about anything else.

It’s like, “Oh man, I could write about this hilarious situation, and then there’s ANOTHER hilarious thing that could happen after that!”

I need to scratch it all down or I’ll forget my ideas and spend the following day hating myself.

So I spent a good deal of yesterday brainstorming when I wasn’t working on my typical daily writing load. I stayed up late.

And you know what, today, I don’t have it. I don’t hate myself for squandering a few ideas, but I certainly don’t have it in me to write the kind of blog post I usually want to share.

Some days that’s OK.

I mean, if one post every week was an explanation for why I wasn’t posting, that would be super lame. I don’t want to make this a trend.

However, I think this is important to discuss at least once because if you’re hoping to do any kind of regular writing you’ll have these days where everything comes gushing out and you need to catch it all before you lose it. However, you can’t have a gusher every day.

So today I’m feeling a bit spent. It’s like my brain is recovering from a marathon.

As writers we spend so much time fearing that we’ll lose the magic. It’s like we fear that moment when we sit down and nothing comes out. “Have I lost it?”

Lost is too strong a word. Some days you have it, some days you don’t, and some days you need to work hard to find it.

If you want to write regularly without losing your mind, recognizing each of these three scenarios is vital in maintaining your sanity. I could try to push through today and write what I had planned, but some days you just need to wave the white flag of surrender.

It’s just one day. I’ll be back tomorrow, even if I need to push through to make it there.

How do you know when to give yourself a free pass and when to push through in your writing?

Riding home on a bus from New York City, I lamented the fact that I didn’t have any beef jerky to eat. I had a chance earlier, much earlier in the day, but I’d squandered it.

The night before our trip, I hardly slept. Any kind of travel drums up all kinds of nervous energy, and falling asleep is nearly impossible. We had to leave our home at 5 am and run to the bus stop from our parking garage before we could settle into our seats. Two cups of coffee were not enough to make me conversational, let alone amiable.

There were two guys across from us who were trying to find seats on our side of the bus. One of them had a bum knee that he wanted to stretch into the aisle. I didn’t see any reason why we couldn’t swap. Using as few words as possible, we made the swap.

This became a bonding experience for him.

“Gee thanks!” he said. “Want some beef jerky?”

He held out a large zip lock bag of beef jerky. I don’t have the strongest of stomachs at 6 am. I’m rarely able to say more than, “Pellets bunnies!” or “Gud morgning.” I kindly refused, but he prevailed on my sweet wife. He said A LOT about how he makes it, none of which I was able to process.

At a certain point I realized he was still talking to me, though I think Julie took over the nodding duties.

He then pulled the bag out and pressured her to take more in a manner I’ve often observed in my Italian grandmother. Realizing resistance was futile, I decided to humor him by taking a piece and sticking it next to my memory stick in my messenger bag.

As a way of thanking him, I struggled to make a bit of small talk, but he graciously kept it short, no doubt recognizing the glazed look in my eyes.

Beef jerky didn’t sound good all day, that is, until around 3 pm. I ate my tiny morsel, and it… was… amazing. The beef jerky remained on my mind for the next six hours. I wondered if any of it was stuck in this one gap in my teeth. While I’m hesitant to say I was thinking clearly, I saw that I’d missed  a tremendous opportunity earlier in the day when a whole bag of the stuff was shoved under my nose.

That man was somewhere in New York City with a huge bag of beef jerky possibly wondering why that guy next to him in the bus with his pretentious netbook treated his generous gift of beef jerky as a nuisance. By dinner time, I was asking myself the same thing.

I can’t remember a moment where I decided I should write. It was something that I had to do. Throughout my life I can look back at different moments where, given the chance, I jumped into writing.

I remember cringing the first time my teacher read a story I’d written to my sixth grade class. No one laughed at the part where the dolphins took over the fishing the boat. Years later I watched an episode of the Simpsons where a bunch of dolphins took over Springfield and thought to myself, “Now that’s how it’s done!”

When I realized that I wouldn’t fit into traditional ministry, I count it God’s grace that I was forced to figure out what to do with my life. I’ve stumbled through day jobs since I graduated from seminary in 2005, sometimes finding niches that used my abilities in very fulfilling ways. However, writing has been the one constant. Back in February 2005, my friend Josh started this blog, and I gradually gave myself to it.

Writing has been a lifeline for me, but I think it has caused a few problems to the extent that if I wrote it, I think I put it into practice. For a Christian, this is dangerous trap. So now I’m trying to only write about what I’ve actually done, not what I think we should do.

I only write about stuff like giving food to the poor or visiting prisoners because I’ve done those things. I’m still way too intimidated to do ministry in the rough neighborhoods around our home. We’ll see.

However, rethinking my blog as a tool to encourage Christians with their daily struggles to live like Jesus has been quite good for me. I still end up writing stuff that’s out in left field from time to time, but having some kind of a mission really helps.

If I’m not aiming to write a post that encourages someone to either draw near to God or serve others in some way, what I’m I trying to do? Am I aiming for lots of hits and comments? Am I trying to sound clever?

I hope the preachy, disgruntled version of myself never comes back. I’m much happier and fulfilled now that I have God’s mission in mind for my writing. I delete a lot of stuff now. I write rough drafts and file them away.

When I write something, I have an opportunity to change someone’s day, hopefully even turn that person’s life in a positive direction. At the very least, I may provide a few seconds of encouragement. I’ve learned that I need to care less and less about being right or clever.

When I write, I have a chance to be part of God’s redeeming work on earth. It’s an honor that I hope I learn to never squander.

Questions for You:

Do you have a particular mission for your writing?

I’d love to know what your personal reasons are for writing.

I frequently leave comments on a few blogs that show up in my Twitter feed. Over the course of time I noticed one guy kept leaving combative comments. Sometimes he criticized the blogger, while other times he criticized others who had left comments.

One day I’d had enough. It was time to put him in his place.

Having spent a good chunk of my life in South Jersey, I have a pretty good grasp of sarcasm. He seemed like a good candidate for a little bit of it.

I don’t know what stopped me. I hope it was the Holy Spirit. “What are you hoping to accomplish?” passed through my mind.

My reply to myself was something like, “I want this guy to lighten up and leave civil comments.”

I countered myself swiftly, “Then sarcasm won’t help, will it?”

That clinched it for me. I have since choked back many a sarcastic comment because I’ve had to realize that my goals and my words don’t always line up. I want someone to lighten up and show grace to others, but I don’t want to show grace to them and reach out in peace.

It’s like wanting to lose weight while eating cheesecakes for dinner every night. And by the way, if someone told me that could work, I’d totally be game for that.

Sometimes our kind replies will be thrown back in our face, but on that occasion and on many others, I’ve had some great conversations on blogs by responding with kindness: understanding where that person is coming from and then gently pressing my point.

Ironically, there is no record of my greatest victories here. I can’t look at the list of sarcastic comments that I didn’t leave. In fact, the only record of my self control will be in heaven. If I’m not doing all of this for the heavenly record in the first place, then why am I doing all of this blogging stuff?

A little while ago I had a meeting with a pastor from a country in Africa. As a Christian from another continent, he is able to offer some critique of the American flavor of Christianity. We agreed on quite a lot. However, going into the conversation, he had no idea how I would respond to his approach to ministry, his views on the Holy Spirit, or how to handle certain hot topics.

I was struck by the way he proceeded in the conversation. He was quite humble about his views, sharing them as the best he can figure out right now. As he shared his own views, he created room for me to disagree.

However, if I chose to disagree, he didn’t make that a deal breaker in our conversation, and subsequently, our relationship. He had no interest in winning the conversation or evaluating me. He was just trying to figure out whether we were on the same page or not before ministering together.

He reminded me that Christians can have civil and fruitful discussions about sensitive topics if we approach them properly. I’ve been trying to put into practice a few pages from his play book since then:

The Goals of Discussion

We can aim to learn, express a perspective, and even persuade others. As we enter into discussion, it helps to keep our goals in mind and then pursuing a course that makes the most sense.

If we fail to understand why we’re posting something to our blogs or bringing up a subject among a group of colleagues or friends, some misguided goals may take over. Discussions fall apart when we aim to judge another person or to win.

Handling Dissent

Yesterday I mentioned that we should enter into discussions expecting perspectives other than our own to show up. If someone presents his view as the only option, then he’s not actually creating a discussion. A word like monologue would be more appropriate.

The dismissal of dissent is a sign of weakness. In fact, part of my growth as a Christian has occurred by discussing worst case scenario options for my faith and learning about the perspectives of those who have left the faith. If my faith can’t handle their tough questions, then what do I actually have? The avoidance of dissent and tough questions reveals some serious problems.

If we can enter discussions with a view to learning from others and humbly expressing our views, then we really can learn a lot and even grow in the process. However, I often overlook my own assumptions. It’s only until I’ve presented my own views as the gospel that I have a rude awakening that I haven’t been prepared to hear a view other than my own.

Constructive Goals

If someone holds a perspective that may be destructive for individuals and/or groups, our responses can change everything. In fact, our responses at critical moments may reveal our true motivations for entering into discussions.

I’ve entered into too many discussions and left too many comments just to appear clever or insightful. Most of the times that discussions devolve into insults and mocking, the participants are so focused on making themselves look good that they forget there’s another human being on the receiving end of their jabs. Our own survival rules out the possibility that anyone else may need our help.

Walking Away

Sometimes we can’t accomplish anything constructive because our conversation partners are unwilling to consider any view outside of their own. Sometimes we are hit by a barrage of insults.

While the ethics of Jesus say we shouldn’t punch back, as in turning the other cheek. There’s no reason why we can’t step away. We don’t have to keep turning our cheeks over and over again.

On my own blog and on the blogs of others, I sometimes find that I shouldn’t leave comments because I notice that I’m getting a little too worked up. In fact, if a subject annoys me or leaves me upset, that’s probably a discussion to avoid. I don’t see how I can add anything to the mix that will help anyone. It’s far more important that I deal with the source of my frustration by surrendering it to God and letting him change my heart.

There is a lot of talk and conversation out there. If I deprive the world of my perspective on a blog post or in a discussion among friends, I’m sure the world will keep spinning.

That is something that I don’t always believe.

It’s easy to stick to our own circles where we never have to encounter someone who disagrees with us. However, some of my most significant moments of growth have happened because I interacted with people from a completely different perspective.

In fact, I would suggest that Christians not only miss out on growth opportunities when they fail to listen to other perspectives, but they are failing at a very basic aspect of sharing the Gospel. Any good missionary knows that listening precedes any attempt to talk about Jesus.

Whether we want to talk about Jesus or we find ourselves in a discussion with someone who holds a completely different perspective, how should we move forward? My sense is that the internet is particularly full of bad discussion. So this week I’d like to look at what makes for a good discussion.

Today we’ll start with some basic building blocks:

First-Hand Awareness

While at an event, an author was talking about two of his books. One was about the fallacies of atheism and the other was about the dangers of Christian fundamentalists in America. Having spent some time growing up among fundamentalists in my early days as a Christian, I knew he was only focusing on the worst aspects of this group and attributing them to the whole.

By painting the whole by the extremes, he missed out on opportunities to have a real discussion. He also failed to understand the fear that drives much of fundamentalism.

Awareness of other perspectives means learning about their complexities than relying on what someone told us about them or their most “newsworthy” aspects. Whether they’re conservative, liberal, fundamentalist, or anarchist, these perspectives are generally held by good people who are not necessarily harmful, deceived, or mean-spirited people.

Sadly, our caricatures and stereotypes prevent us from even beginning conversations.

Listening

When we enter into a discussion, we should ask whether we are hearing that person or are we imagining a whole personality based on the extremes we know of this person’s perspective? Are we thinking too much about our replies to even listen? My general experience with many of my friends is that they defy neat categories in their theology, political views, and with other issues.

For example, in my conversations with those who have either left Christianity or are on the edge with it, I have often found a lot of common ground once I listen. If God had been presented to me in the same way and Christians had treated me that way they had been treated, I can see where belief would be hard to come by.

Rather than painting every atheist as a mini-Dawkins or attributing all of atheism’s assertions to this one person, I need to listen to each person’s unique experience. In fact, in order for our conversation to go anywhere, I’m hoping they’ll give me the same benefit of a doubt.

Tomorrow’s Post: When I talk about our conversation going “anywhere,” I’m hinting that we should have some shared goals in our conversations. Do we want to inform or persuade, or are we entering discussions in order to win?