:: in.a.mirror.dimly ::

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about sin. To be honest, I think I’ve completely misunderstood what sin is and what it does for most of my life.

I’ve probably posted about this before, but some things finally clicked for me last week and over the weekend. It was like I finally understood with some degree of personal certainty what sin is and isn’t.

Sin as a Chainsaw

There’s nothing like a head full of Bible verses to freak you out when you sin. I catch myself wondering if I’ve used up my sacrifice for sins or have somehow exhausted God’s mercy. I mean, is there a point where we’ve decided to cross God one too many times before he gives up on us?

I don’t think so, but then again, I’m really good at finding Bible verses to convince myself otherwise.

I tend to think of sin as this chainsaw that cuts me off the vine of Christ. I think of myself stuck on the ground, separated from God, and in need of a long, drawn-out restoration process.

My general approach has been to wallow and beg for mercy, which has some serious issues. I’ve been learning over the past few years how wrong that view really is, but it all came together last week.

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A year or two ago, I found a post on one of Anne Jackson’s blogs about her addiction to pornography. It was the first time that I’d read about a woman with a porn addiction. It wasn’t that I didn’t think women could be addicted to porn. It was just completely off my radar.

There’s a reason for that. Well, at least two big ones.

First of all, we focus a lot of time on pornography as something that men struggle with. While men are in the majority with pornography viewing and addiction, the number of women struggling with pornography is still quite high.

Secondly, the church doesn’t usually present itself as a good place for women to discuss addictions to pornography and sex.

I suspect that our problems are rooted in part in an unnecessarily low view of women due to misinterpreting certain passages of the Bible concerning women, while ignoring those that uplift them. This creates an undercurrent of devaluing women that may leave them feeling like second class citizens, and therefore minimizes their problems in light of the “real” problems that men face. I don’t want to get lost on a rabbit trail on this point since I need to keep this post moving, but I’ll be happy to clarify this a bit in the comments.

Another reason why women aren’t dealing with their addictions to pornography and sex in the church is the crippling shame they bring. It’s tough for anyone to come clean about struggles with lust, pornography, or sex outside of marriage. There’s fear of being condemned, alienated, and cast out as hopeless.

Today I’ve asked author Crystal Renaud to drop by and talk about her new book Dirty Girls Come Clean in order to help spread awareness about the solutions available for women and because I want everyone who struggles with addiction, pornography or otherwise, to find freedom through God’s Spirit. Crystal is a former pornography addict who now runs Dirty Girls Ministry and offers women hope and a safe place to talk about their addictions.

Matthew Paul Turner asked me to host Crystal on my blog, and I’m glad he suggested it. My questions are in bold with Cystal’s answers below:

How big is this problem? What are some statistics of women who struggle with pornography addiction?

According to a recent survey, 17% of women struggle with an addiction to pornography, while 25% of Christian women also struggle with pornography. So depending on the demographic of women, it’s one in four women or one in six women. And as far as web traffic, one in three (40% of) visitors to adult websites are women.

[Crystal has provided the following links to the statistics she quotes: stats on internet pornography, internet pornography statistics, and updated pornography statistics.] 

Can you share a little bit of your struggle struggles with pornography and sexual addiction with us?

I first came into contact with pornography at the age of 10 when I found a pornographic magazine in my older brother’s bathroom. I had to decide in that moment whether I would turn away or look at the material. I chose the latter. What followed that fateful decision was an eight-year addiction to pornography and pornography related behavior. I didn’t come clean about my addiction until I was nearly 19 years old when a woman I trusted shared with me about her past struggles with pornography use. It was through her confession that I was able to confess my own struggles and finally surrender this addiction to Jesus Christ and to a relationship of accountability with that woman.

There are not many resources for women with pornography and sexual addiction, what led you to write Dirty Girls Come Clean?

When I first began ministering in the area of pornography and sexual addiction, I never imagined I would write a book on women’s pornography addiction. But as I led support groups, I could see the lack of resources available for this kind of support. So in February of 2008, I made the decision (with the nudge of the Holy Spirit) to begin writing.

Overcoming an addiction is certainly a process. What would you say to women who fall back into destructive habits and struggle with guilt?

I tell them that it wasn’t overnight that they became addicted, so it won’t be overnight that they find complete freedom. Recovery from any affliction is a process and we must continue to embrace the process, even if we slip back into it. Getting back up is the most important step we can take.

You also started a ministry in February of 2009 for women called Dirty Girls Ministries? What made you choose the name “Dirty Girls” to describe your ministry?

The name Dirty Girls isn’t about referring to women who are addicted to porn or who have been addicted to porn as dirty. One of the most common responses I hear from women in the throes of addiction is, “I feel do dirty.” Because of this, we are about taking on that stigma so many women are already feeling and providing them a safe place to come and find help and hope for recovery through Jesus Christ.

We understand that Dirty Girls is a strong name and may offend some. But we also see that it attracts an audience we might not otherwise reach—those directly searching for pornography. We often receive messages from women (and men) who were browsing the web for porn but found help instead.

What are some of the core struggles for women who are pornography and sexually addicted?

What’s important to know about pornography and sexual addiction, it’s almost never about sex. It’s a core intimacy disorder. We see women all the time addicted to pornography simply because they are using it as a way to cope with pain in their lives. Just like women who cut, or have an eating disorder, pornography functions in the same way in their lives.

Typically the core struggles are unhealed wounds from sexual abuse, absent parent(s), spiritual abuse (the failure of a spiritual leader in their lives) and others.

How are the sexual struggles of women similar to the sexual struggles of men? How are they different?

Men are typically classified as the “visually stimulated” of the human race. While this is true, women are also visually stimulated and are attracted to pornography in many of the same ways as men are. But what makes women and women’s use of pornography all the more destructive and potentially dangerous is our innate desire for emotional connection. 81% of women, who frequent pornographic websites, will eventually escalate their addiction to in-person encounters because of their desire to be close to someone.

Thanks Crystal for your ministry and this book!

In order to learn more about Dirty Girls Come Clean and Cystal’s acronym for recovery from addition: S.C.A.R.S. (S—Surrender; C—Confession; A—Accountability; R—Responsibility; S—Sharing ), visit Crystal’s web site or check out a sample online.

I’m back from vacation, and I’m ready to jump back into my series on our call to love one another. Before Christmas I wrote about the ways we can abuse our authority by judging one another. Today I’d like to begin the first of a few posts on what happens when we disagree, focusing this post on our expectations and fears in relation to our disagreements.

I can’t remember what my friends and I were doing down at South Street in Philly one night or exactly how I ended up in a heated, screaming match with a heretic. I think we were just roaming as college students are wont to do. Then we encountered a street evangelist.

Perhaps he was into new age stuff or he just didn’t have a clear grasp of the Bible. My memory is a little foggy, but I saw him arguing with my friends and trying to convert them to whatever wacky thing he believed and something snapped inside of me.

It was a mix of good and bad things. The good wanted to protect my friends and the bad wanted to put this joker in his place.

I want to stop right there where my heart started to race with anger rising. I felt I had no choice but to escalate things, fighting him toe to toe. What the heck happened?

When we encounter someone with a different perspective, it can be jarring. It may be annoying to hear someone who sees the same things and doesn’t come to the same conclusions, or who perhaps doesn’t see the same things and supposedly comes to a different conclusion based on ignorance.

Sometimes we feel personally threatened, other times we fear a threat to our friends, and sometimes we think these people with different views are going to ruin our church, town, or country. Are these feelings really necessary? Should we fear these people or try to change their perspectives? When it comes to Christianity, what exactly is at stake when we disagree with a fellow Christian or even an atheist for that matter?

Whenever dealing with any kind of conflict among individuals and groups, it’s important to begin with ourselves and what we bring to the mix. I have found a general trend to be true: as my insecurities about my beliefs decrease, my ability to graciously converse with and to even love those of different perspectives increases.

In some cases I’ve had to admit ambiguity and uncertainty. In other cases I’ve grown increasingly secure. Ironically, those who claim to be the most certain sometimes are the most insecure because their “certainty” is a false certainty that isn’t based on the right foundation.

While I am sometimes frustrated or annoyed by those who believe differently from myself, I have a sense that God has been stripping away every other source of security that isn’t Jesus himself. I’ve been taking gradual steps toward meeting with Jesus daily and living by the Spirit. As he increases, he becomes the source of my security.

My beliefs and theology are still very important to me, but when Christ is the foundation and the source of my certainty, I gain a certain amount of freedom from the fears and negative emotions that cloud my ability to love others. When encountering someone from a different perspective I don’t feel the same threat or fear as before.

That street evangelist teaching a wacky form of Christianity tapped into something—my insecurity about my beliefs and my foundation. I feared, “What if he’s right?” I really didn’t want to be like him, and therefore I needed to attack.

If I ran into him today, which would be disturbing since I now live in Eastern Connecticut, I think I’d be able to hear him out without fearing his impact on my beliefs. My initial approach to him would be completely different since my emotions would not be fired up quite so much.

Addressing our emotions and security in Christ will make it much easier to love others and to even debate with grace.

The next post: What should we do when we disagree?

When I started attending a Baptist church for the first time, I noticed that everyone had a large Bible tucked under their arms. While I found the Bible a bore, everyone read it, talked about what they were learning, and opened the wrinkled pages of their leather-bound Bibles to reveal highlighting and squiggly underlining.

Reading the Bible seemed to be the thing that set me apart from these Christians, and so I worked on getting my devotional time up to snuff. I bought highlighters, a fancy cover as their holster, and even dared to underline and make notes in my Bible.

Over the years the Bible served at times as a text book and at other times as a source of validation for everything I did and believed. Either way, I continued reading the Bible because that’s what real Christians do. As I separated myself from my Catholic past during my high school and college years, the Bible became my badge of honor.

The Bible became my Christian street cred.

Christians should read the Bible, but we shouldn’t read the Bible just because that’s what Christians do. When it comes to many of our misguided reasons for reading the Bible, we often end up doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. It looks good on the outside, but we may bankrupt our spirits and ruin the Bible for ourselves by disconnecting it from a relationship with God and his leading Spirit.

In fact, reading the Bible as a Christian badge, a text book on religion, or even as a source for life runs the risk of misconstruing the more complex and true nature of Christianity. The righteousness of Christ becomes our badge, the Spirit our teacher, and Jesus himself our source of life, but we are pointed to these by the Bible.

The Bible, then, becomes an exhausting dead end when we make too much of it. The Bible wasn’t supposed to enable us to live the right way. The Bible tells us how to live, points us to the Holy Spirit, and then the Spirit works with and in us.

The Bible is an essential part for Christian living, but we must remember that it is a part. If we ask too much of the Bible, we run the risk of making the same mistakes as the Jewish leaders (John 5:39) or even falling flat on our faces when the Bible can’t do what only God himself is able to accomplish in us.

Tomorrow’s Post: I’ll discuss a few of the reasons why Christians should read the Bible, developing and adding to some of the ideas hinted at here.

Continuing my meditations on the book of Romans…

At the end of this epistle Paul gives a fascinating role call of his friends and partners in ministry who supported him financially and spiritually. There are accounts of financial gifts, friends who risked their lives for each other, those who worked hard, and those who shared their homes. Many suffered for Christ in prison or through material loss.

In this microcosm of the early church we see models of Christian discipleship at work, the practical unity of the church in daily life, and the costs of following Christ. Whatever the problems addressed in this epistle, we can see that God’s Spirit prompted many to live extraordinary lives as disciples.

As a final word, Paul warned them about those who cause divisions or diverge from apostolic teaching. The divisive and incorrect are serving their own agendas for their own glory. Paul knows the Romans are on the right track, but desires to keep them pure and innocent.

There is a stark contrast that we should notice between those honored by Paul and those who serve themselves. Paul notes those who have risked their money, reputation, and safety for the sake of the Gospel and for fellow believers.

Even so, God will soon crush Satan as they struggle through hard times. They are reminded that Paul and his many friends stand united with them in both suffering and in the power of God.

Paul ends with a massive theological statement that essentially sums up God saving and sanctifying power and plan. In God’s wisdom the Jews and Gentiles have been saved in Christ according to God’s plan that was hidden and mysterious for many generations. This plan that was first mentioned by the prophets has now been fully revealed in Christ.

Another meditation in my series on the book of Romans…

If Jesus died to conquer sin while all were still sinners, then Paul reasons Jesus will continue to save those who have been reconciled through his death. The Romans church can boast of Christ’s sacrifice that not only cancelled their debt with God, but also includes them among God’s saved people.

This chapter particularly focuses on the the significance of God’s saving work through Christ that brings us peace with God. The gift of salvation is more generous and powerful than any offense that could separate us from God.

A key illustration involves the sin that Adam brought to the world. Through sin death began to reign, as everyone who followed Adam, also followed into sin and thus into death. However, if one sin brought death, then Christ’s gift of life through his one righteous act conquered sin and death. In this way, Christ is supreme as the one who not only rights past wrongs, but also offers a new way to live.

Unlike God’s gracious gift through Christ, the law was not given to make us right with God, but rather to point out sin. Thus rules and regulations have value within their role sorting right from wrong, but only in the work of Christ on the cross can sin be defeated. Therefore, Christ has both kept and fulfilled the law, making himself superior to sin, death, and the law. Christ has made God both just and the one who justifies.

Therefore, Christ brings us peace with God, and offers us a chance to live free from sin’s power. The details of living new lives apart from sin will be spelled out in chapter six.

This continues my series of meditations on the book of Romans. Today we have chapter three…

Paul has been building an argument for the equality of Jews and Gentiles under sin, but by the end of chapter three he extends this equality into the realm of salvation. For starters though, the Jews and Gentiles are mired sin and separated from God.

In spite of sin that alienates people from God, God is faithful to offer salvation as a gift through Christ. Nevertheless, God’s patient and redemptive acts do not give anyone an excuse to continue sinning. God will fulfill his promise and bring salvation to Jew and Gentile alike, but there is a stern warning that judgment will come to those who persist in sin. Therefore, Paul tells his readers to use the law to become conscious of sin, but to have faith in God for their salvation.

Therefore, whether or not someone has the law, the verdict is the same, but so is the way out. God’s salvation is not dependent on the law or whether or not someone has any kind of religious or ethnic credentials. I’m particularly taken with the thought that God is not only just, but also the one who justifies. God is essentially clearing the path for whoever wants to believe in him rather than setting up standards to be met.

The hard part of the argument for Paul’s listeners must have been  upholding the law by faith and not by observing it. It would seem that the only way to God and the path to obedience is by recognizing one’s complete and utter dependence on God for salvation. However, living by faith does not mean anyone can ignore the law. In fact, faith is the only path to truly obeying it.

That strikes me as an easy lesson to twist. God will judge those who ignore his patience and salvation by continuing to sin, but the way to be made right with God depends on believing in the saving work of Christ and living by faith. One would expect Paul to hammer on obeying the law, but he doesn’t. I can see how some would twist Paul’s arguments into a kind of antinomian Christianity where more sins only draw on more unlimited mercy.

Paul is no doubt challenging this sin-challenged church to be obedient and faithful to God. However, the only lasting way to be made right with God and to remain faithful is through faith in the life-changing work of Christ.

It is this work of Christ that fills up the following chapters in Romans where Paul explains how saving faith need not result in indulgent sinfulness.